Banks in Nigeria have been told they must stop using attractive women to persuade customers to open accounts. “Why is it that all these girls are…moving around hustling as if they are looking for something other than money?” the Senate President asked.
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A high school student in New Hampshire asked John McCain if the senator was too old to be president. “Thanks for the question, you little jerk,” McCain replied. “You’re drafted!”
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Scientists in Liverpool found that rock stars are twice as likely to die prematurely as ordinary people.
[babeface]
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Police are cracking down on Craigslist hookers. “Technology has worked its way into every profession,” said a Long Island detective, “including the oldest.”
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Malaysian taxi-drivers were ordered to pull their socks up.
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Idaho’s Republican Senator Larry Craig resigned after pleading guilty to solicitating gay sex in an airport bathroom and scientists reported that there aren’t enough rest stops. “I’m not gay. I’ve never been gay,” Craig said.
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Doctors pointed out that cigarette smoke can give animals cancer, and an hundred-year-old woman celebrated her birthday by lighting her 170,000th cigarette with her birthday candles.
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An 18-year-old from Utah was reported to have hugged 765 people in less than an hour Saturday and plans to send the results to Guinness World Records. “I feel like I’m on cloud nine,” Pearce said after the last hug Saturday.
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Japanese researchers have developed head gear that uses infrared sensors and a microcomputer so people can clench their teeth instead of reaching into their pockets to turn on their ipods.
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A bunch of naked people stood around on a glacier to promote awareness about climate change.
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A region in Russia started offering it’s citizens prizes to procreate, such as money, and refrigerators.
[worth it]
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Police were having trouble apprehending graffiti artists, “does no one care?” they asked.
[the answer: yes.]
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50 cent and Kayne West are going to debate whose album is better on live TV on September 11th. “Just don’t be asking me if I am a conscious rapper. I know exactly what I am saying - so I am conscious,” 50 cent said.
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Scientists discovered that “baby einstein” videos designed to increase the intelligence of toddlers actually made them stupider.
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Japan made cookies that make your boobs bigger.
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Bob Allen, a Florida State Representative who sponsored a bill to curtail sex in public parks, said that he recently offered oral sex to a man in a park because he was afraid of black people.
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Israeli civilians started launching tomatoes, eggs, cucumbers, mangoes, corn on the cob, and eggs into Palestine. “We decided to take things into our own hands,” they said.
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After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that people have sex because they are horny.
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It was reported that Charles Manson took 150 hours of Scientology classes, and then rejected it as too crazy.
[too sane for scientology]
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A school in Australia made sunglasses mandatory.
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